more jokes

Death on Vacation

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case from many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he rose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."

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HMO Q&A

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, 'Hey, Moe!' Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard of "The Three Stoogies " who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.

But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and that diploma from a small Caribbean Island is very fresh.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. What are preexisting conditions?
A. This is a term used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with 'pre and now' meaning the same.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 CO-payment, there is no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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Double-Decker Bus

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss.

A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.

"What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing."

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!

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Things You'd Love To Say (But Don't Dare)

- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

- How about never? Is never good for you?

- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

- I can see your point, but I still think you're full of cow poop.

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55

Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'"

Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"

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Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

- The bandage was wound around the wound.

- The farm was used to produce produce.

- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

- We must polish the Polish furniture.

- He could lead if he would get the lead out.

- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

- I did not object to the object.

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For The Kids...

What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants!

A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help"
"Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot!"

What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring it back!

Why are elephants wiser than chickens?
Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant?!

What do you call an elephant that can't do sums?
Dumbo!

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Embarrassing Traffic Stop

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

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For The Kids...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Kyoto!
Kyoto who?
Kyoto jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Laos!
Laos who?
Laos and found!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lauren!
Lauren who?
Lauren order!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Laverne!
Laverne who?
Laverne of catastrophe!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Leaf!
Leaf who?
Leaf me alone!